I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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