I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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