I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
