I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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