i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize