Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
