Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
