I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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