just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
