Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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