yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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