i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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