I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
