Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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