I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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