ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
