Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
