i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
