i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
