I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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