Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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