Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
