using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
