My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
