how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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