Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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