dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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