Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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