best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize