i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
