She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
