Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
