She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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