So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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