Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
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