So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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