im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
