dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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