You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize