I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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