Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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