I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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