no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
