I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
