I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
