i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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