Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
try to milk me bitch
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize