I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
