mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
