I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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