I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am one with the molecules
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize