she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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