Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
