Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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