The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
