We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
