I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
