You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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