So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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