Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
only you would photoshop your dick
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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