I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
