I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
