i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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