I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
