I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize