you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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